Trainer Trainee

I was recruited by an SAT preparation service a few months ago. He found my resume on NYTimes.com; I think that's where he said he had found it. The recruiter - let's call him Edgar - I guess this mental tarball is all about Edgar.

The way they set it up, there is what they call an audition first, and then 48 hours of training before they certify you. The first time around, when the audition came up, I was in the middle of a project and I just did not feel up to it; I blew it off. A few weeks later, Edgar sent a message again. This time I went. I did terribly at the audition; I was nervous, nearly incoherent. To my surprise, they told me to come to training the following weekend; all but one of the people from the audition were at training too.

Today was day four of the training. A little before noon a different trainer told me I was being cut. Not a total surprise; the second day of training we had to get up in front of the class and "teach" a problem and Edgar reviewed my performance. The criticism from that point was uniform and followed Edgar's lead.

I guess this journal entry is pointless; I feel a tinge of bitterness, but mostly I feel that icky high school feeling. The revenge of the average. Be louder and more energetic. I think what the trainer said was that they didn't think they were things I can change. She's probably right. Eh, whatever - the money they pay the instructors isn't great and the way the course sections are scheduled would have put a serious damper on my ability to leave town. I would have liked to put this on my resume; I'm not sure I really want to actually train hundreds of high school juniors, though I think that might have been fun at times.

But I said this entry was about Edgar, and I've been dwelling on my bruised feelings and rationalizations. Edgar -- where do I start? When I spoke with him on the phone (at length, repeatedly), it was just before Christmas and I was expressing my trepidation about the holiday, memories of last year fresh in my mind. Edgar, emphatic, empathetic, assertive that he would like to help in any way. He stressed that - in any way. The way he said it bridged the gap, and I felt like maybe he's not just a huckster, maybe he is genuinely genuine. Or maybe it was something else. It's so rare that I encounter someone who actually listens that I find it disarming when I do. He referenced his partner at some point - which I at first thought was some sort of romantic force field then was confused as to what exactly the role the partner played or as to their gender. But something in his manner said hyper-professional thirty five year old married with no children.

When I first met Edgar in person, I didn't know it was him. What I realized pretty quickly was that I wasn't the only one with a crush on Edgar; everyone felt the same way. Edgar's handsome and gay. It's also clear that he runs the place. I don't know where he sits with whatever corporation, but the trainers, the trainees, the office staff - everyone's allegiance is to Edgar. So having blown off my first meeting and having been so candid about family holiday events was probably not good - two marks against me and I haven't even been to the office yet. What was weird about what followed after that first session and Edgar's feedback is that Edgar's observations became everyone else's observations; what I did in front of the group seemed irrelevant. They would instead echo Edgar's comments, and maybe augment them with some specifics from whatever came of the current performance. The social dynamics of small groups of average people. High school.

It's not a total loss; I got paid to take 28 hours of training and got to see the inside of a training organization; they got me to sign a non-disclosure non-compete agreement taking me off the market for 12 months. And, again, under the sting of rejection, the rationalizations, and that feeling of losing, there's that weird feeling -- that strange sort of motivation that comes from failure.

Thank you Edgar. You rock. ;-)